grandma shit on top of the toilet
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
