she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
