i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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