The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
