Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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