Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
