He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
