yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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