What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
