I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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