hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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