My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
