They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
