I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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