If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She's the barista slut.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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