I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you had me at cake vodka
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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