I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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