2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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