Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Who died my cat blue again?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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