i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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