I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
