He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
