all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
