dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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