Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That accounts for only three of the penises
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
