Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
