And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
