There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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