I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
