i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i think my cat just said my name.
Is Oprah even human
I would fuck him just for his dog
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