So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
