Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
