don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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