I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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