yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I need a beard to bite.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
