My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
time to smoke my breakfast
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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