Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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