i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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