I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
