Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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