if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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