I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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