if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
