So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
