remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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