Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
