I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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