I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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