apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
