at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
