I heard we made out
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
