TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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