..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
