My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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